5 Reasons Why “Sleep When the Baby Sleeps” is Bad Advice

…and 4 ways to get the sleep and dignity you deserve

Image by the author, based on a photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash

When I became a new mom, I heard the mantra “sleep when the baby sleeps” everywhere. But I’ll be honest: I never liked that advice. That’s why I love a certain scene in Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng. Mia, the mother of a newborn, hears a knock on her door late at night. On the other side stands her gruff but kind landlady. “Give her here,” the woman says. The landlady cradles the crying baby, and Mia sleeps for hours. After that, the narrator says, “something had begun to shift.”

A consensus statement from sleep experts explains that “healthy [adult] sleep requires adequate duration, good quality, appropriate timing and regularity, and the absence of sleep disturbances or disorders.” That’s the kind of sleep Mia got. That’s the kind of sleep any new parent deserves, without waiting for a baby to nap. Yet I’ve found precious few sources, from mommy blogs to scientific studies, that challenge the old chestnut. Instead, even the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins Medicine still tell us, first and foremost, to sleep when our infant sleeps.

So I could be wrong here. But I’ll take a risk. I’ll tell you my reasons why “sleep when the baby sleeps” isn’t sound advice, and I’ll assure you there are better ways.

If you’re caring for a newborn or know someone who is, this is for you.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” is bad advice because:

1. Infant sleep is unpredictable. At the beginning, most infants don’t follow a regular sleep pattern. A newborn will log her total of 16 to 18 hours of daily sleep in a number of ways. She might nap for 20 minutes or 2 hours at a time, and she might drift off several times throughout the day or just once. To lay your head down at such erratic intervals would go against the experts’ recommendation for “appropriate timing and regularity.”
2. The setting isn’t always right. If your baby drifts off while you’re driving or pushing her stroller around the neighborhood, how are you supposed to sleep? This may seem obvious, but it’s worth saying. Even if you do decide to curl up on the sidewalk next to your Chicco Keyfit for a quick snooze, you wouldn’t exactly achieve “good quality” sleep or “the absence of sleep disturbances.”
3. Not everyone can sleep on a dime. Extreme fatigue does not equal immediate naps. As anyone who has experienced insomnia knows, the pressure to fall asleep can — ironically — keep you awake. Many guides for new parents suggest establishing a good bedtime routine — not for the baby, but for yourself. Avoid screens and caffeine right before sleep, they say. Play soothing music or take a bath. But if you sleep when the baby goes down, you have to make a choice: Eschew coffee and iPhones forever to keep yourself in perpetual drowsiness, or learn to sleep at a moment’s notice. I would rather not have to make that choice.
4. It can skew social dynamics. Well-meaning advice from the Mayo Clinic suggests, “When friends and loved ones visit, don’t offer to be the host. Instead, ask if they could watch the baby while you take a nap.” This advice is on hold due to COVID-19, of course. However, even when visits were safe, most guests did not arrive ready to take care of a newborn. Friends came to my door to drop off soup and ask how I was doing. They didn’t know the particulars of our diaper-changing routine, where to find a favorite toy, or how to heat a bottle. They could ask or I could take time to show them what to do, but that would likely stress them out and leave no time for my nap. Meanwhile, I would miss a chance for a rejuvenating visit with a dear friend. …Which leads me to:
5. Sleep isn’t the only thing you need. You’re a baby’s parent, but that’s just one thread in the tapestry of your personhood. You’re a mix of identities and needs and goals. Yes, sleep is a basic necessity. But in those early weeks, I still wanted other things — to socialize, check email, work on a volunteer project, get fresh air, or mop the floor. Also, as a parent, you may feel out of control already. The baby dominates your schedule, your conversations, and your shopping lists. If your only choice during your baby’s naps is to lay down and sleep, you ignore the other complex needs and wants that make you a full human. That’s not good for you or the little one.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

What are the alternative solutions for sleep? So glad you asked. You can:

1. Divide the night into chunks of childcare, so you can sleep at night like humans are supposed to. This ranks at #3 on the Johns Hopkins list of tips, but I put it first. If you are a household with two parents, divide the night into two shifts. For example, I was on call from 10 pm to 3 am, waking to change a diaper or breastfeed as necessary. Meanwhile, my husband slept. My husband covered 3 am to 8 am, complete with diaper changes and feeding our son with pumped breast milk. I know a single mom whose friends took turns staying through the first nights with her newborn, and the grandparents also stepped in. Another option is to hire a night nurse. Of course, these options aren’t available to everyone. One parent may need a full night’s sleep due to a work schedule or health issues. You may not have the funds or a support network that can handle this. But if you can wrangle this kind of support, even occasionally, you’re on your way to solid hours of sleep.
2. Divide the day into chunks of childcare, even if you’re not ready to start full-time daycare. Follow the suggestion above, with tweaks for daytime. Many daycare facilities accept infants starting at six weeks; nannies and babysitters can start even earlier. You can also form a pod with a few local friends or relatives. Show them how to care for your baby. Then ask for their help when you need it. It makes a big difference to know when you’ll be responsible for the baby and when you have a few hours to yourself. As the parents of a two-year-old toddler, we still do this on weekends or when daycare is closed.
3. Choose how you’ll treat yourself during the baby’s naps. If you can fit in more sleep at night or a few hours during the day, you have more flexibility when the baby naps. But a blank canvas may feel overwhelming. Once my baby fell asleep, I found myself wondering what to do first. Should I respond to text messages? Read a novel? Spend quality time with my spouse? Oil a squeaky door? Catch up on email? Make a cup of tea and drink it while it’s still hot? Keep a list of restorative, non-sleep activities you enjoy. You could even divide it into one-handed and two-handed feats (for when the baby sleeps on you and when he sleeps in the bassinet). You may deviate from your plans, but having a list of self-care ideas can make the choice easier and more satisfying.
4. Create a healthy, predictable sleep routine for the wee one. I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s true: Parents can nudge an infant into a regular regimen for feedings, naps, and nighttime sleep. The change can complement a baby’s natural routine and does not require cry-it-out measures.* If you are familiar with this approach, try it. If you haven’t read about this concept, start by perusing Taking Cara Babies, SO-S Parenting, or Happiest Baby.

Can the ideas above help you experience a shift, like Mia in Little Fires Everywhere? Absolutely. Will all of my suggestions work for every parent? No way. But even if you don’t find a solution to get more sleep, your baby will grow and conditions will change. In other words, it will get better.

For now, I’m knocking on your door to tell you this: Everyone — including new parents — deserve dignity and good sleep. Don’t let appearances or guilt or tradition get in your way. Do what works for you.

*A note about sleep training and “cry it out” approaches: From my research, I do not believe you can teach your infant to self soothe. You can only condition her to give up crying or you can wait for the developmental stage when she can regulate emotions. However, gentle techniques can help an infant or toddler sleep for 11–12 hour blocks. It worked for us and our son.